No More Twinkies: P&Q ReactsNovember 16, 2012
All the Twinkies you can eat, and Woody Woodpecker cartoons 24 hours a day.
~Murdock, describing his idea of heaven
If I didn’t believe the dire 2012 predictions before now, I’m starting to: the iconic Hostess Brands, makers of the gloriously American sugar-loaded goodness that is Twinkies, is going out of business.
I’m upset about this, of course (although admittedly I’m more of a Sno-Balls fan) for several reasons. Firstly, when and if a zombie apocalypse arrives, I’m not only going to have to fight off the undead, but an even angrier Tallahassee looking for Earth’s last cream-filled pastries. In addition, I’m going to have to stock my nuclear shelter with Little Debbie snack cakes, which, quite frankly, is not the same. And then there’s the matter of breaking the news to the site mascot who, I hate to say it, is a huge Twinkies nut. He may commit suicide just so he can make it to an afterlife with an ample supply of golden sponge cakes.
Thus, to cope with the potentially traumatic loss of Twinkiedom, we at P&Q have developed a plan.
#1. Go out…right now…and buy all the Twinkies you can find at a reasonable price. Set them aside the way you would a fine wine.
#2. Don’t hoard them. Eat one or two right away in mourning if you must. Have a party with your friends and re-live all your favorite Hostess Brands memories, including the time you dared your brother to eat a Twinkie with a cockroach in it.
#3. Pray that someone else…not in China…takes up the mantle. You know, how like different people become the Dread Pirate Roberts. Those are some big cream-filled shoes to fill.
#4. Go through the 7 Stages of [Twinkie] Grief:
Shock and Denial over Twinkies,
Pain and Guilt over Twinkies,
Anger and Bargaining for Twinkies,
Loneliness and Reflection about Twinkies,
The Upward Turn (Twinkies Could Come Back),
Reconstruction of Twinkies,
Acceptance and Hope…if we do not have Twinkies, though, what hope is there????
What’s your take on the Hostess closures and/or the loss of Twinkies?
If you haven’t already, be sure to send me a link to one of your best blog posts so I can include it in next week’s Giving Thanks episode!